Dating Tales: Mr. Smelly


Well, today’s tale is certainly not a love story like Mr. Perfect.  My poor friend has had several bizarre dates and was happy to share with us.  Hopefully you will have a chuckle.  Enjoy!

Giselle was standing in the mirror, preparing for her umpteenth blind date.  She was praying this one would be different since she was becoming exasperated with the entire process.  Kerlin sounded really nice on the phone but she was wise enough to know by now that meant absolutely nothing.

Just as she was applying her lipstick, she heard a lot of racket right outside her bathroom window.  It sounded like a combination of fireworks, gun shots and some kind of screeching noise.  Giselle ran to the window just in time to see a raggedy Oldsmobile coming to a halt in front of her driveway.  The car was smoking, the doors were different colors and it looked like a new paint job was started but never finished. A sense of dread set in and Giselle knew this was not going to go well at all.

Her doorbell rang and she simply decided against the lipstick and tossed it in the sink as she walked to her door.  No use wasting good lipstick, right?  The little hope she had for this date was dashed when she opened the door for Kerlin.  Bless his heart.  The man had no sense of style and apparently had problems matching his clothes together.

His hair was many different lengths and Giselle couldn’t tell if they were braids, dreads or what his intentions were with his hair.  He had soccer socks on pulled up to his ashy knees.  He had purplish plaid shorts on with a bright orange button up dress shirt and was grinning from ear to ear.

Giselle just stood there for a moment, speechless while Kerlin repeatedly looked her up and down licking his lips and making obscene noises.  “Damn girl, I hit the jack pot!  You ready to roll?” he said.  Giselle tried to smile and slightly nodded her head and turned to lock her door.  Kerlin continued to comment about how lucky he was and Giselle just rolled her eyes.

As they walked to his car, Giselle stopped him and said ” Uh no, we will be taking my car.”  “Damn girl, I was hoping you would say that.  I always wanted to roll in a Mercedes.  I’ll drive.” he exclaimed.  “The hell you will, please proceed to the passenger seat” Giselle told him in a stern tone.  Kerlin laughed, shrugged his shoulders and got into her car.  Giselle really didn’t know why she was continuing with the date but she had nothing better to do anyway.

“Damn girl, I can’t wait for us to get to Galveston.  You gonna change into a bikini for daddy?” Kerlin said.  “Um no, change of plans.  We are going to the dollar movie.  Do you have a dollar?” Giselle tersely replied.  She would be damned if she went to the beach with this idiot.  “Uhh, I think so” he replied.  Seriously???  He didn’t know if he had a damn dollar?  Oh hell, this was getting worse and worse and worse.

It was at that moment, Giselle caught a whiff of something really foul smelling.  She waited for it to pass assuming they were just driving through a bad area but the smell continued to linger and grow stronger.  Giselle was starting to gag and rolled down her window.  “Sorry babe, I meant to tell you I have been having some gastro issues” Kerlin told her, and commenced to rolling down his window as well.

They drove the rest of the way in silence, windows down and music blasting so Giselle didn’t have to smell or talk to him.  Once they arrived at the movies, Giselle asked for two tickets to see a movie she had missed when it was in the regular theaters.  She waited patiently fully expecting Kerlin to at least pay for his portion but wanting him to pay the $2 dollars for both of them.  Kerlin just stood there, shrugged his shoulders and said “I’m good for it babe, I will give it back to you” i.e. his ass didn’t intend to pay for anything.

“Follow me sir” Giselle said in her business voice.  “Aww babe, don’t trip, I just left my wallet in my car.  Told you I’m good for it” he whined.  Giselle pulled out her phone, opened her Uber app and requested a pick up.  Thankfully, a car was only 3 minutes away.  While they waited and Kerlin continually inquired about what they were doing and why was she ‘trippin’, Giselle took out her headphones and started listening to Spotify.

A beautiful black Chevy Tahoe pulled up and Giselle breathed a sigh of relief.  She walked towards the car and motioned Kerlin to follow.  Once she confirmed that this was in fact her Uber request, she opened the door for Kerlin and told him to get in.  He was staring at her, speechless for once but still smelling atrocious.  He got in, she shut the door and she gave the driver her address.  With a big smile, she poked her head into the passenger window and told Kerlin “please have your smelly, raggedy ass gone by the time I get home or I will be calling the police” and walked away with a flip of her hair to see her movie.

~ Mara Prose

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